I’m allergic to exercise

I finally went to the gym!

…in order to cancel my membership…

…for the sake of my health.

“Can I help you?” the manager asked.

“I want to cancel my membership,” I said. Please don’t ask why! I know you have to ask why, but please don’t. I just want to have a normal human interaction for once.

“What’s the reason for canceling?” he asked.

“Health issues,” I said. Go me! That’s what normal people would have said. Brief, sufficient, no oversharing. Maybe I have a future in subtly after all!

“Well, there is the option to freeze you account if you would like…”he said.

“I am allergic to exercise,” I interrupted and then gave him my serious face. No, buddy, this is not a punch line.

“Like actually allergic?” he asked.

“Yep, I’ve got my Epi Pen right here, “ I said, patting my purse, ready to whip it out à la Annie Oakley at the first sign of disbelief.

“I guess I know someone who is allergic to water,” he said or asked. I’m not sure.

“Yep, allergic to that too. I can only drink Fiji water,” I said. He tapped on his computer and I squirmed from the self-inflicted awkward silence. “I mean I do try to exercise. I just can’t do this stuff. There’s like a sweet spot of adrenaline ­– about 30 seconds. I can only run for a minute or two.”

“I guess I should feel lucky I’m just allergic nuts,” he said.

“Yep.” Okay, he kind of gets it.

***

I hadn’t gone to the gym in two years, but I clung to my membership and the belief that one day I could return. Because an allergy to exercise sounds like the greatest excuse, right?

The truth is I can barely even get to the gym. Most weeks, I struggle to get to the grocery store because I’m allergic to the weather (sun, humidity, cold, pollen) or I don’t have any energy left. Some weeks, I am nursing injuries related to my hypermobility. If the journey to the gym isn’t exhausting enough, once I’m there, I risk exposure to fragrances, cleaning chemicals, and germs.

When I exercise too much, bad things happen. Simultaneously, I need to lay down, puke, and poop. I struggle to breathe and think, while my organs continue to burn, swell, and spasm. And you thought your workout was hard.

The benefits of regular exercise do not outweigh the consequences of a mast cell reaction. Sometimes my reaction lasts for days, affecting my ability to do basic activities like eat or work.

However, I’ve found ways to exercise at home in small doses when I am feeling up to it. Any exercise starts with Benadryl (in addition to the eight antihistamine pills I take daily). I stretch gently, walk on my treadmill, lift light weights, or run for a couple minutes. I also have two toy poodles that are pretty demanding. Some days going to work, taking care of my dogs, and making meals is a workout in itself.

Breaking up with my gym was hard, but necessary. They say you’re supposed to work on your revenge body after a break up. I’m guessing that doesn’t apply here.