Choose your own (mis)adventure

“You and YOU ALONE are in charge of what happens in this story.”

This is the ominous warning given at the beginning of each Choose Your Own Adventure book, the popular 1980s children’s series. I used to check these books out of my elementary school’s library by the armful, enticed by the idea of being in charge. I carefully weighed the potential risks and rewards of each option at the end of a chapter, imagining my fate. Do I run for the nearest escape or defend myself? Should I ask the sorceress for help? Morocco or Boston?

The authors punished greedy and cautious readers alike. This pissed off my impulsive younger brother, who inevitably succumbed to flipping through the books in search of the most appealing outcomes. Then he would back track, memorize the best choices, and declare himself the winner.

To my disappointment, adult life is a lot less adventurous, aside from an occasional vacation and professionally led excursions. Instead, I am in charge of mundane misadventures. There are no new planets or ancient jewels. Basically, I’m just trying to stay alive and support my Etsy shopping habit.

My recent misadventure in healthcare reminded of these books and their valuable lessons: life is illogical and totally unfair. Oftentimes, health decisions are a gamble. Some options end up being a huge waste of time and money, returning you back to the original situation. Other times, all of the choices suck. To demonstrate what I mean, I present to you…

Choose your own (mis)adventure: Abdominal pain

You can no longer ignore the pain in your upper right abdomen. It has throbbed with increasing ferocity over the last two weeks, but you cannot recall any new changes to your diet or exercise routine. The Internet suggests it could be your gallbladder and upon inquiry, it seems like everyone you know has had their gallbladder removed. One friend warns you of the possibility of a gallbladder rupture. You wonder if this is related to your mast cell disease. Your back begins to spasm.

If you hope the pain can wait until you see can your primary care doctor, click here.

If you go to the emergency room, click here.

---

*

*

*

*

*

Emergency room

*

*

*

You check into the emergency room. Forty minutes later, you are ushered into a room and describe your pain to a doctor. The doctor orders an ultrasound and it looks normal. Blood and urine tests are normal, too. The nurse administers mast cell medications, but they have no effect on the pain. The doctor recommends following up with your primary care doctor. Although it cost you $100, at least you’ve confirmed you’re not dying. Right?

Click here to go to your primary care doctor.

---

*

*

*

*

*

Primary care appointment

*

*

*

In the clinic, your primary care doctor examines your abdomen and agrees your gallbladder is the likely culprit. She orders a HIDA scan to measure your gallbladder’s functionality. You drink 20 ounces of a milky sludge and lay still in a narrow tube for an hour. The HIDA scan is normal. You pay the $100 imaging deductible.

Meanwhile, the pain is affecting your ability to work and move. You research mast cell related gallbladder issues and discover half of MCAS patients feel better after gallbladder removal. Half of patients feel worse. Your primary care doctor recommends you consult a surgeon.

If you schedule a surgery consultation, click here.
If you decide to give up, click here.

---

*

*

*

*

*

Surgery consult

*

*

*
The surgeon acknowledges all your test results are normal, but agrees to remove your gallbladder with the recommendation of a gastroenterologist. You know two things to be certain: surgeons love removing organs, and this was a waste of time and $25.

If you schedule an appointment with gastroenterology, click here.

If you follow up with your primary care doctor in hopes of non-surgical solutions, click here.

---

*

*

*

*

*

Emergency room 2

*

*

*
The pain is shooting up to your shoulder and your back is spasming. Near tears, you hurry to the emergency room before the pain renders you unable to walk. The doctor reviews your chart. Blood and urine tests are normal again. The nurse administers pain medication and you have some relief, but no answers. Another $100 emergency room copay.

If you schedule a surgery consultation as recommended by your primary care doctor, click here.
If you get a second option in gastroenterology, click here.

---

*

*

*

*

*

Primary care follow up

*

*

*
Your primary care doctor examines your abdomen again. You break out in hives when she pushes in the center of your belly. She reassures you it is not a hernia, but suspects a muscle spasm. She says sometimes Botox injections can help muscle spasms in the abdomen. You hate needles and have no idea if you’re allergic to Botox.

If you give up and accept a life of pain, click here.
If you decided to try Botox in the stomach, click here.

---

*

*

*

*

*

Gastroenterology

*

*

*
The gastroenterologist tells you your gallbladder is fine and he doesn’t want to treat you because you have mast cell disease. He informs you that the clinic has hired a gastroenterology psychologist. He suggests she may be able to help you to learn how “food affects your mood.” You just wasted $25 and two hours of vacation time to be referred to a poop shrink. Your current psychologist agrees.

If you give up and accept a life of pain, click here.
If you follow up with your primary care doctor in hopes of a non-surgical solution, click here.

---

*

*

*

*

*

Botox

*

*

*
You died from Botox, but at least your stomach isn’t wrinkly. You didn’t leave a will for your poodles.

(Author’s note: It is unlikely you would die from Botox, but you really chose the worst option. Click here to give up and endure instead.)

---

*

*

*

*

*

Give up and endure

*

*

*
You swear off all doctors. You can’t afford them anyway. You self medicate with baths, HBO, and ready-bake chocolate chip cookies. If you could just figure out how to never move again, you would be pain free.

Four months later, a friend with MCAS recommends a chiropractor. You decide to go, because the pain is now causing your ribs to subluxate. The chiropractor adjusts your ribs, and you mention the pain in your abdomen. She palpates the pain and tells you its an adhesion. You wince and grit your teeth, as she massages the tender area. When she stops, the pain is gone. Forever.

The End.

(Based on a true story. What the hell.)