I have never enjoyed cooking food. Maybe it’s because most food hurts me. Maybe it’s because standing in the kitchen makes me dizzy and exhausted. Maybe it’s because during my first cooking lesson, my mother told me that my great grandmother died in a cooking fire.
However, my body demands home cooked meals. Soy, garlic, onion, corn syrup, lactose, salicylates, and high-fiber foods make me feel like I’ve swallowed a demon. High histamine foods, basically all the remaining foods, make me puke within 20 minutes of ingestion. It’s easier to explain what I can eat: fresh, plain meat; potatoes; rice; bread; and butter.
This makes lunch at work incredibly difficult. I cannot breathe in restaurants, and there are no safe takeout foods. I cannot eat refrigerated food, which increases histamine, but frozen is okay.
My friend encouraged me to make soup, which sounded tasty. However, when I learned her recipe involves roasting a chicken and simmer the bones, I abandoned the idea. The only thing I roast are bad healthcare providers.
I don’t appreciate food enough to spend hours of my precious energy preparing it. I often remind myself that in the event of a zombie apocalypse I will die because I don’t know how to roast a squirrel. But let’s be honest, I probably can’t catch a squirrel and I’d probably die from running out of my medications first. I’d be lucky if I lived long enough for a zombie to eat me.
This year, when Minnesota’s windchill dropped to -50F, my body demanded soup. I scoured Whole Foods for a gastronomic compromise. To my delight, I discovered the nectar I’d been longing for: a chicken broth made without garlic or onions. From then on, it was surprisingly easy to develop low-energy soup recipes.
Here’s my recipe for chicken noodle soup:
- Think about making chicken noodle soup. Eat air sandwiches for lunch and sleep through dinner time until you are so hungry that you can’t feel your joint pain anymore.
- Eat cereal for energy to go to the store.
- Go to Whole Foods at 5 pm, because that’s when the rotisserie chickens are fresh. Buy one plain rotisserie chicken, celery, carrots, green onions, and 48 oz of 365 Everyday Value® Organic Chicken Broth. Pray that you still have basil, thyme, and pasta at home.
- Eat part of the chicken and take a nap.
- Maim the celery and carrots. I hate celery and carrots. They taste shit and aren’t going to cure me. But I eat them just in case.
- Sauté the vegetables in garlic oil if you feel fancy.
- Squirt the box of chicken broth into a pot over the vegetables, emulating the sights and sounds of colonoscopy prep. This is my favorite part.
- Dump basil, thyme, and pepper into the pot until it looks pretty and bring the broth to a boil.
- Add 2 cups of tri-color rotini because curls have more fun. Boil for 7 minutes.
- Remove from heat, add chopped chicken and green onions, and stir until you get tired or bored.
- Spoon into Pyrex bowls and freeze.
- Tell the poodles to do the dishes.
First of all, this is hilarious! Second, steps one and two are frighteningly accurate. Lastly, why didn’t I think of the poodle solution to my dish problem??
Thanks for reading! I throw a poodle at every problem.
Great post!! I also don’t like to cook haha…which is a problem when you need to eat more healthily than the average person. Also, didn’t know about the histamine thing in the fridge vs freezer…interesting and useful knowledge, thanks! (Even though you probably learned it the hard way 🙁 )
P.s. IF the zombie wants to even eat you at all, seeing how we’re all pumped up with probably foul tasting meds and poisons 😉 (I know you’ll appreciate the humour based on this article lol. Also, this is my theory when my bf gets eaten by insects and I don’t :p)
Mosquitos no longer touch me 🤣🎉
Exactly! At least there’s one benefit to have poison running in our bloodstream?
Loved your post! I know I wouldn’t survive a zombie horde either. Of course like Sheryl said maybe we’d taste too yucky. Your recipe sounds delish.
Thanks for reading!
I needed this laugh! Cooking can be such a struggle with chronic illness. I’m glad I’m not the only one!
Oh yes – I share your sense of humour (and the foods that make us feel like we’ve swallowed a demon!). Some days I dread cooking – particularly when the whole family is home…..so I leave them to it and then can’t stand the mess they leave me. Thanks for the laugh – and the recipe! Claire x
I can’t get near garlic. What brand of chicken stock did you find that you can eat, that’s free of garlic and onion??? I’d love to know.
365 Everyday Value® Organic Chicken Broth
“The only thing I roast are bad healthcare providers ” 👏👏👏
You are hilarious. I love reading your blog.
Thanks for reading! 😊
Hey, I live in Eagan MN, not too far from you. I have been suffering all of my life and have recently done more research about MCAS. It has been incredibly isolating because of my reactions to foods and how sick I can get from a bad reaction. Thanks for sharing your story, etc…I am curious to know why garlic and onions were an issue for you. I saw online that those two foods should be low histamine. I have only been able to eat about ten or so foods for the past two years and I think i may need to cut out things like garlic and onion to see if they are causing trouble too. Once I get rid of them I’ll be down to fresh meat, coconut, and some fresh veggies and fruits. I am thankful I have some options!
Garlic and onions are high FODMAP.