I have never enjoyed cooking food. Maybe it’s because most food hurts me. Maybe it’s because standing in the kitchen makes me dizzy and exhausted. Maybe it’s because during my first cooking lesson, my mother told me that my great grandmother died in a cooking fire.
However, my body demands home cooked meals. Soy, garlic, onion, corn syrup, lactose, and high-fiber foods make me feel like I’ve swallowed a demon. High histamine foods, basically all the remaining foods, make me puke within 20 minutes of ingestion. It’s easier to explain what I can eat: fresh, plain meat; potatoes; rice; bread; and butter.
This makes lunch at work incredibly difficult. I cannot breathe in restaurants, and there are no safe takeout foods. I cannot eat refrigerated food, which increases histamine, but frozen is okay.
My friend encouraged me to make soup, which sounded tasty. However, when I learned her recipe involves roasting a chicken and simmer the bones, I abandoned the idea. The only thing I roast are bad healthcare providers.
I don’t appreciate food enough to spend hours of my precious energy preparing it. I often remind myself that in the event of a zombie apocalypse I will die because I don’t know how to roast a squirrel. But let’s be honest, I probably can’t catch a squirrel and I’d probably die from running out of my medications first. I’d be lucky if I lived long enough for a zombie to eat me.
This year, when Minnesota’s windchill dropped to -50F, my body demanded soup. I scoured Whole Foods for a gastronomic compromise. To my delight, I discovered the nectar I’d been longing for: a chicken broth made without garlic or onions. From then on, it was surprisingly easy to develop low-energy soup recipes.
Here’s my recipe for chicken noodle soup:
- Think about making chicken noodle soup. Eat air sandwiches for lunch and sleep through dinner time until you are so hungry that you can’t feel your joint pain anymore.
- Eat cereal for energy to go to the store.
- Go to Whole Foods at 5 pm, because that’s when the rotisserie chickens are fresh. Buy one plain rotisserie chicken, celery, carrots, green onions, and 48 oz of 365 Everyday Value® Organic Chicken Broth. Pray that you still have basil, thyme, and pasta at home.
- Eat part of the chicken and take a nap.
- Maim the celery and carrots. I hate celery and carrots. They taste shit and aren’t going to cure me. But I eat them just in case.
- Sauté the vegetables in garlic oil if you feel fancy.
- Squirt the box of chicken broth into a pot over the vegetables, emulating the sights and sounds of colonoscopy prep. This is my favorite part.
- Dump basil, thyme, and pepper into the pot until it looks pretty and bring the broth to a boil.
- Add 2 cups of tri-color rotini because curls have more fun. Boil for 7 minutes.
- Remove from heat, add chopped chicken and green onions, and stir until you get tired or bored.
- Spoon into Pyrex bowls and freeze.
- Tell the poodles to do the dishes.