A MCAS friend

Despite having a treatable infection, after 62 appointments and emergency room visits, Nicolle resigned to hospice in hopes of getting relief from her tortuous pain. I cried for hours when I realized how close she was to death with no options. Since March, Nicolle has become my irreplaceable best friend who texts me good morning and goodnight every damn day. She is my biggest fan and helps me in every way. I didn’t know what to do, so I wrote:

A MCAS friend

A MCAS friend checks on you more than anyone else, because they know every hour is a new challenge.

A MCAS friend knows which medications you tolerate and when to suggest a rescue dose.

A MCAS friend advocates for you when you want to give up.

A MCAS friend reminds you you’re amazing, especially when you feel inadequate because you’re comparing yourself to everyone else.

A MCAS friend does not shy away from your most gruesome symptoms. They may even one-up you for the sake of levity.

A MCAS friend know how to make you laugh even when you’re delirious.

A MCAS friend makes plans with you to change the world, even though you’ve never met.

***

Nicolle read it and messaged me a bunch of heart emojis. And then she said:

“I hope some of that applies to me, and is not just a wish list for your replacement friend.”

I laughed so hard at her perfect joke soothing me through her own death. And then realized I cannot lose Nicolle. Not now. Not over a fucking treatable infection.

I had never met Nicolle in person, but at 2 a.m. I drove an hour to her house, canceled her hospice, and did everything in my power to demand her care.

Basically, Nicolle almost died right in front of me in the ER. She was screaming and hallucinating with a temperature of 105.2F. Through it all, Nicolle checked to make sure I was taking my medications and drinking water every hour.

Today, Nicole was discharged with negative blood cultures and a new PICC line. We are completely exhausted, traumatized, and forever changed, but I am so happy to have my best friend still in my life.

I am continuing to write because it is healing and Nicolle always encourages me to continue my advocacy efforts. She’s always been the biggest supporter of my work. Next week I am launching a monthly email and I hope you will sign up. I truly believe this is the beginning of big change, and I look forward to sharing this journey with you.

Before you judge my dog’s birthday party

Last month, my oldest toy poodle, Quixote turned TEN years old! Quixote is my first dog and has boldly taught me everything I know about poodles. He is a ruthless, but effective physical therapist. He forces me to socialize in hopes of scoring treats from strangers.

Of course, I had to spoil him with the perfect gift.

A Charmin Forever Roll! A 12” roll of toilet paper, one of Quixote’s favorite vices. At first, I wanted to order the Forever Roll for myself. Charmin offers a money-back guarantee: Go up to one month before changing your roll. As someone who endured two colonoscopies in one year, I feel like that’s a bad business plan. My mast cells love a challenge. Then I realized my blog readers would much rather see pictures of my poodle than hear about how much I pooped in a month.

Quixote’s birthday serendipitously fell on the same day as his weekly agility class, so I also threw him a birthday party. There were hats, treats, and party favors.

I worried these Facebook photos might undermine the seriousness of my health challenges. I try not to care what people think, but unfortunately image does matter when you’re of the precipice of crowdfunding.

I know a lot people of people think dog birthday parties are ridiculous. In fact, some people believe all birthday parties are ridiculous. I have a couple words for these people:

Don’t steal my joy
Prepare to feel like an asshole

First of all, it cost almost nothing. You better believe I collected every half-chewed stream of toilet paper and place them in a bag by my toilet. The mini hats were on clearance, because they look absurd on humans, and the lottery tickets technically made money. The balls were less than a dollar, even though Boost the Aussie thinks they’re worth a million.

Second, I miss celebrating birthdays. In fact, I miss celebrating all occasions with others. Because of MCAS, I usually spend my birthdays and Christmas alone. I can’t go to restaurants or parties with friends and family anymore. At the same time, I need celebration more than ever to offset my health challenges. Right now, my life just feels like a series of fights and losses. Quixote’s birthday was the perfect opportunity to share joy in a safe space. Feel like a jerk, yet?

Furthermore, I’m allergic to men, babies, and baby-making. I cannot imagine how many ways childbirth would destroy my body, nor how I would take care of children when I can barely care for myself. Plus, MCAS appears to have a genetic component. Instead of wallowing in my fear that I may never be able to have kids, I am focusing on the family I do have, even if it’s not human.

Finally, my dog has helped me and continues to help me get through hard times. At first glance, his help appears self-serving. Quixote keeps me on a strict schedule of meals, bathroom breaks, and exercise. He is the reason I get up in the morning and the reason I go outside. He is the reason I regained strength in my body. He is the reason I learned how to ask for help when I need it. He is the reason I keep fighting.

Why I made an encouragement board instead of a vision board

Every January, I make a vision board. To be honest, I enjoy the craft portion of the project most. A vision board is basically a pretentious collage that makes me sound like I have my shit together. It’s supposed to convey your dreams and leverage the law of attraction to make them happen. Yet, I never put a hospital on my vision board, but I can’t seem to stay out of one.

This year I am forgoing the traditional vision board for three reasons:

1. I am overly ambitious; my body is not

Before vision boards, I wrote resolutions. For example, here are my New Year’s resolutions from when I was 15 years old:

No chocolate except for special occasions
Find a volunteer job
Fix my many social problems or just shut up when necessary
Save $150 a month
Journal 3 times a week
Keep my face clear
Do all the other stuff I can’t think of right now

Well, that pretty much covers it. I was not a cool 15-year-old and I did not get more reasonable about my goals with age. I still eat chocolate every day and my face is usually dotted with hives. Let’s not even discuss the social problems. For the record, I did get the volunteer job… AT A HOSPITAL. These days I’m lucky if I can even keep my paying job. Vision boards and resolutions alike are loaded with guilt and regret.

2. The universe misinterprets my visions

In case you missed it, read last year’s warning about vision boards.

3. My friend refused to participate in our vision board tradition this year

Technically, we’ve only made them together once, but since my mast cells forbid all of my other traditions, it’s officially our thing. Maybe she refused this year because last year she was a little too scissor-happy with the yoga magazines and now feels guilty. Or maybe it’s because when we craft, I try to work “modge podge” and “she shed” into the conversation every 10 minutes, because I think it’s hilarious. She reminds me it’s actually called “mod podge” and I become more persistent. MODGE PODGE.

*****

This year, I decided I am making an encouragement board instead. Yes, that does sound even more nauseating than a vision board. Yes, a unvision board would be way more fun to make. (A unvision board is a collage of things you wish you could unsee. Yes, I totally made that up.) But after another year of pursuing the same dreams, getting knocked down and beat up, and feeling totally out of control, I need an encouragement board.

This past year, my friends and readers have kept me going. When I was in the hospital, your encouragement gave me strength to keep fighting and hope that I would recover. Oftentimes, I didn’t feel like writing, but the messages of support reminded me my writing helps people laugh and feel less alone. I dug up these messages time and time again when I felt low. Finally, it occurred to me to print these messages and make a collage.

Here’s what else my encouragement board entails:

A 11”x14” foam board
Scrapbook paper for the background
Inspirational quotes
Magazine clippings
MODGE PODGE (use doubled sided tape if you react)

Chances are you don’t have a blog and dozens of comments feeding your ego. However, I bet if you shared your dreams on social media, you’d also receive encouragement. Maybe from people you didn’t expect. And you can always print this out:

I BELIEVE IN YOU! YOU ARE AWESOME! – Hell’s Bells and Mast Cells