As a Minnesotan, I try not to complain about cold weather. All November, I tell myself winter teaches us how to fully appreciate the warmer things in life. However, when the wind chill drops below -30F and I have to put a second pair of pants, my attitude gets icy.
I don’t want to wear any pants.
Winter is especially hard for me, because I am legitimately allergic to the cold. (Yes, I know this makes me sound like an idiot for living in Minnesota.) Discomfort and frostbite are the least of my worries, because if I get too cold, my mast cells induce temporary paralysis. Yes, temporary paralysis, as in I lose the ability to move for several hours.
Like any Minnesotan, I am prepared for winter. I have a remote car starter, two attached parking garages, a face mask, and a grocery delivery guy who wonders why a single lady needs 24 rolls of toilet paper.
But I also have two toy poodles, one of which shows no concern for my well-being.
So last week, when the morning air was so cold it hurt healthy people to breathe, I thrust my poodles out my patio door. “Go poop!” I whispered as authoritatively as possible without waking my condo neighbors. The dogs trotted like two wind-up toys about three feet before freezing mid-step, each holding one paw in air. I ran out to retrieve my poodle statues.
As I untangled eight Velcro booties, I wondered if I was going to be late for work and if this was an acceptable excuse. I’m sure you’re not supposed to wrap the straps as tight as tourniquets around their paws, but I’ve played enough rounds of “Find The Dog Boot” to last a lifetime. Once again, this time with boots, I shooed the dogs outside. They high stepped halfway across the patio. One poodle pooped, but the other glared at me.
“I don’t poop in boots.”
“How about socks?” I negotiated.
If you think securing eight dog boots is a feat, try stuffing four paws into socks the size of a thumb. As I unsnagged each toenail from the knit, I tried to recall why the hell I bought dog socks in the first place. Since when does my dog have his choice of footwear?
He clearly preferred the socks as he romped around the patio. However, no poop – unless you count the rabbit dropping he ate with gusto.
The poop boycott continued for several days. Yet, dieting was not part of his New Years’ resolutions and he did not consider limiting his food intake. One night, I felt sorry for his discomfort, but mainly anxious about the impending spaghetti factory explosion, so I put on my coat, hat, boots, gloves, scarf, mask, and his socks. I took him to the other end of my condo building, where I could demand him to poop as loudly as I wanted. We walked concentric circles in the snow until he finally popped a squat and I squealed victoriously. Although most of my skin was covered, the cold permeated my bones as I waited for him to unload.
Twenty minutes later, in the warmth of my condo, I felt a wave of heaviness and doom, the funny feeling I get when my mast cells are about to wreak havoc. Quickly, I made a pot of organic mac and cheese, the obvious first step in triaging most of life’s problems. As my arms got harder to lift, I knew I had stood outside too long. I grabbed my bowl of pasta and phone, and settled into a nest of blankets on the couch.
I used to panic from these reactions, assuming I was having a stroke. When I realized I wasn’t dying, I’d channel my inner Jillian Michaels, “Unless you faint, puke or die… keep walking!” But my limbs refused to move. I tried to make the best of the situation and meditate, but instead I’d ruminate on everything I needed to, but couldn’t currently, do. In the process, I’d forget my paralysis and try to get up again, refueling my frustration and determination to will my body to move. Eventually, I’d fall asleep.
This time though, I scarfed down my macaroni (hunger and paralysis are a bad combination), turned on a podcast, and prepared for nap time. My poodle approached the couch slowly, requesting permission.
“Don’t you dare ask me to play ball,” I warned him. He jumped onto my lap and curled into ball.
I stopped keeping score of my poodle’s bowel movements, focusing on surviving the workweek with angry mast cells. The cold-induced fatigue forced me to skip dinners and resign myself to early nights in bed. By Friday afternoon, I was eager to go home and collapse.
However, when I opened the door, I was greeted by a pungent smell. My poodle was suspiciously waiting for me in the doorway.
“Where did you poop?” I demanded. He knew exactly what I was referring to, but remained committed to his belief that silence is the best defensive. So I began my Friday night with a turd hunt.
I tried to imagine where I would hide a poop. Behind the couch? Below the dining room table? In the closet, among my shoes? The smell was powerfully misleading. As I searched, I estimate how much of my damage this would cost me. In the end, I found it in the most unexpected room. And then I wasn’t even mad.
“Did you try to poop in the toilet?” I asked, trying not to giggle.
He wagged his tail.